2 more days of moving.

in the past four years i've lived at all of these numbers:
504, 1500, 532, 1331, 1863, 5904, 4016, 480, 7552
today i started the move to location number ten, 1841. . .

if i didn't have my damn computer and really really comfy mattress i'd seriously consider selling my car, buying a vw van and traveling the country for a while. picking up odd jobs to keep myself afloat. oh yeah...and if i didn't like showering...

i definatly think i'm starting the pattern to roam my life. i'm learning to consolidate things, keeping only what's nessisary.
i think it's a backswing from living in my first house until i was 12 and my secound house until i was 18.

i got my keys and brought a few things over to the new place. rented a uhaul van for saturday, bought boxes and tape, went to ikea and got a desk, chair, bedside table, cookies, 4 closest orginizers, hamper, desk light, small rug, though there are two large ones there i'm dying for, one is $300...too rich for my blood right now, the other is $179 - better, but i'm not sure i'm thrilled with it, so i'd rather not spend that much. i also plotted out the room and cut out furniture on graph paper, and i'm currently deciding how i'll arrange things. it's my favorite part of moving. oh, and i bought stamps.

my year-long goal is to stay here for 6 months (since i signed a 6 month lease) and be in a possition to afford a studio on my own after that. i don't particularly want to contiue living with people if i can afford not to. i don't need a lot of space, dog and i do well with not much room, and i think we'd do particularly well in a space of our own. furthermore...max claims he may be moving here within the year...which may or may not have an affect on the living situation. i'm not sure how well we'd do as roommates, or if that's in the cards at all, but i'm keeping it as an options because i'm pretty sure we'd destroy everything.

so that's the deal. for now. i'm kind of a mess, but as always i keep going. i've learned to kind of not put myself back together, so much as keep the pieces in a little baggy, so they don't fall apart nearly as much...

i have the best bestfriends a girl could ask for.

I wanna be much more like you
Your effortlessly graceful scene
That drips from every pore of you
Where logic cannot intervene
I wanna take a bath with you
And wash the chaos from my skin
I wanna fall in love with you
So how do we begin ?


also, i've played 492 games of pyramid on my little widget over the past few months. and i just won my first game. as it turns out, it's purely chance...and almost impossible to win. and i won one!

i bought a birdcage

to keep my dreams of you from flying away

i think i left the door ajar...

protégez-moi

We would tip toe out in the evening.
Never done such things before, and I have never found once thinking of you since.
I'd be lying if I said you'd make never.
Came up and I'd be thinking of just how I'd like to cash my days in now.
And all I ever do is think of yesterday.
Man its hard to stand up straight all of the time.
We tip toe down to my basement.
Every time suceeds before.
I'd drive you home for goodness sake.
I could barely stand up straight.
Oh there's a memory calling, calling way too loud and way to strong.
Twisting all the bad things into good.
I'm a lucky guy now, but I'll never know until its gone.
Yeah I'll never know it till its gone.

anne's gift!

i forgot to take photos of the paintings i did for my parents, so I can't show you those now, but here is the painting I did for Anne. It may be amended at a later date, if i decided how i want to put the typ on there. for now it is like this, entitled "wherever I am, you'll always be"

1. i bought myself this necklace for christmas

and i'm in love with it.

2. i've recently become obsessed with putting together a very elaborate marie antoinette costume for next halloween. so far the cost is around $600

3. i had sonic for dinner tonight after a failed attempt at picking up a package at ups. i suppose i'll get it tomorrow or friday...if they aren't jerks about it again. but the sonic bistro sandwich, tots, and strawberry limeade made the whole thing worth it.

remember those days when i was super confident and had overcome my social anxieties???

yeah...me too....

sometimes i really annoy myself.

this blog post just make me laugh. i'm in a very nostalgic mood tonight.

i want to write a lot, because a lot is on my mind. but i just decided i'm too tired.


missthis.

check - across the board

not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt
self-centeredness

i really just wish it didn't matter...

i guess it's karma...for everyone i've made feel like this.

two years ago, if you had told me i would be where i am now, making money doing salad expo at a restaraunt instead of graphic design, i would have laughed at you, explaining that i was one of the most talented designers in my class, with a lot of experiance under my belt and a beefy portfolio to back it up. i had a lot of teachers and classmates that would have said the same.

but here i am, doing salad expo.

and feeling more like an artist than i have in more than 4 years.
i think i forgot the beauty, relaxation, and pleasures of painting. it's not to say that i don't enjoy design, composition, illustration, typograpy, etc. but nothing will ever compare to the tactility of painting and drawing.

i want to do more. i feel alive with creative energy.

my hands feel useful again

my family comes tomorrow!!!

:)

oh, i'm moving out, by they way....

glad 2006 is almost over

the idea of sharing a bedroom in a living situation outside of college or a relationship just weirds me out.

I. hetta and i are starting a new walking + excersizing + eating healthy plan. i think i talked about it already, but i'm pretty stoked on it. soon as i have a more stable income, i'm going to join her gym and get to work on getting rad. i'm sick of having days when i'm very unhappy with my body. i'm sick of comparing myself to every other girl i see walking down the street and realizing that if i put in an ounce of effort, i would be in great shape. i'm not a big girl, i won't have to work super hard for the body i want. i just need to DO it. today i felt sick, so i didn't walk, but tomorrow i'm going on another three mile, fast paced walk with delilah. she likes it and so do i.

II. my head is starting to creep back into relationship mode, though, after my last attempt at allowing myself that, i'm still pretty much terrified of getting involved with anyone, or doing anything like that at all. i just think it would be nice to have a companion. i wish it didn't involve so much emotion and wreckage. i wish i could find someone to just enjoy, and not have it end up a disaster, with the whole "i guess you were right" story. i hate that. i just can't imagine myself starting to date right now. like actually going through the whole process doesn't seem likely, for the following reasons

A. finding someone i actually enjoy enough to date seems pretty unlikely, as i pretty much can't stand everyone i meet. the idea of spending more that a little bit of time with someone just starts to annoy me unless i'm head over heels. and that part of my brain is currently being occupied.

B. building trust is a whole nother issue. a relationship, obviously, takes a lot of trust...and i have very little to give out right now. i don't particularly find it easy for myself to open up and allow someone to get to know me at all. which causes some major relationship problems.

i just find it interesting that most people i know out here are in a relationship...and maybe it's most people i know all together. i have often been questioned why i don't have a boyfriend, and i guess i'm just the the boyfriend kind of a girl right now. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. but i guess, sometimes i miss it....

i realized today, during a discussion on hh, that i may have already had the best moment of my life.
this is both satisfying and scary to think of.
but, i guess i won't know until the day i die. so i'll not worry about it now.

I. i might be a floating manager for up against the wall.

II. hetta and i are gonna start walking a lot. i'm also going to join her gym so i can start a serious excersize regimine and "get rad"

III. also, i love the gypsy eyes records comp i got at a show a while back. and i can't stop listening to it.
this is particularly interesting because i usually hate new music.

here it's december...everyday

wait...december??? it's 80º

that's impossible.

hetta and i have decided that there is something in the water that makes everyone here act like a crazy person. the level of drama in everyday life is outstanding, but everyone just kind of goes with it.

i think we're the only ones to notice it....